Terrorists Now in Limbo

Oxford, UK: As it becomes increasingly clear that they can no longer truly believe in any major religion, the world's terrorists are facing a renewed crisis of faith and/or non-faith. With the announcement last Thursday from Atheist supreme leader Dr. Richard Dawkins that "no True Atheist can be a terrorist", none of the major denominations now contain terrorists in their ranks. This declaration comes only weeks after it was finally confirmed that Atheism is actually just another religion, requiring faith and a distinct ideology--something that many Christians have long suspected.

In his press release, Dawkins stressed that Atheism is a Religion of Peace, saying, "leading Atheist theologians who have deeply studied the holy texts confirm that killing is prohibited in Atheism". He added that the exceptions to this general rule will be published in two major volumes later this year. He went on to say that "terrorists have no religion. They are like Tom Hank's character in the Terminal, stuck in a [non-Catholic] limbo where the least religious belief is denied to them".

In his latest video message, Ayman al Zawahiri pleaded yet again to be allowed to believe in Allah and the prophets. "I long to once again shout from the rooftops that 'there is no god but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet', but the decree of my mortal enemies, the decadent so-called moderate Muslims, is binding and I remain a despicable kafir", he laments. Anders Breivik, the Norwegian mass murderer, is also known to have expressed similar feelings to pacifist Christians who have the final say on exactly who are Christians and who are not.

Fears have now come to the fore that terrorists may now turn to some of the world's minor religions for spiritual solace. A group of leaders of the major religions are said to be drafting a joint resolution demanding that some of the lesser known religions, who have so far resisted what they see as a religious imperialist pressure, should make it abundantly clear that no terrorists share their religious beliefs and religious identity.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the latest newly contacted Korubo tribe of the Brazilian Amazon told our reporter that as soon as they understand what terrorists are and a word is created in their language for "terrorism" (possibly a derivation of the Korubo word for "neighbour-village-elimination-for-perceived-insult"), they will be making the formal announcement. It is hoped that a timely declaration can prevent a massive immigration of terrorists seeking to convert to the Korubo religion and unwittingly contributing to the destruction of the fragile rainforest ecology of the Javari valley.