Oxford, UK: As it becomes increasingly clear that they can no longer truly believe in any major religion, the world's terrorists are facing a renewed crisis of faith and/or non-faith. With the announcement last Thursday from Atheist supreme leader Dr. Richard Dawkins that "no True Atheist can be a terrorist", none of the major denominations now contain terrorists in their ranks. This declaration comes only weeks after it was finally confirmed that Atheism is actually just another religion, requiring faith and a distinct ideology--something that many Christians have long suspected.
In his press release, Dawkins stressed that Atheism is a Religion of Peace, saying, "leading Atheist theologians who have deeply studied the holy texts confirm that killing is prohibited in Atheism". He added that the exceptions to this general rule will be published in two major volumes later this year. He went on to say that "terrorists have no religion. They are like Tom Hank's character in the Terminal, stuck in a [non-Catholic] limbo where the least religious belief is denied to them".
In his latest video message, Ayman al Zawahiri pleaded yet again to be allowed to believe in Allah and the prophets. "I long to once again shout from the rooftops that 'there is no god but Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet', but the decree of my mortal enemies, the decadent so-called moderate Muslims, is binding and I remain a despicable kafir", he laments. Anders Breivik, the Norwegian mass murderer, is also known to have expressed similar feelings to pacifist Christians who have the final say on exactly who are Christians and who are not.
Fears have now come to the fore that terrorists may now turn to some of the world's minor religions for spiritual solace. A group of leaders of the major religions are said to be drafting a joint resolution demanding that some of the lesser known religions, who have so far resisted what they see as a religious imperialist pressure, should make it abundantly clear that no terrorists share their religious beliefs and religious identity.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the latest newly contacted Korubo tribe of the Brazilian Amazon told our reporter that as soon as they understand what terrorists are and a word is created in their language for "terrorism" (possibly a derivation of the Korubo word for "neighbour-village-elimination-for-perceived-insult"), they will be making the formal announcement. It is hoped that a timely declaration can prevent a massive immigration of terrorists seeking to convert to the Korubo religion and unwittingly contributing to the destruction of the fragile rainforest ecology of the Javari valley.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Quick Letter to Paley
Hello William Paley,
We both agree that a laptop is designed by engineers. You now say engineers are designed by Yahweh, which is interesting. Taking the idea further, can I suggest that Yahweh was designed by the Invisible Pink Unicorn? It's just that when I look at something as intricate and well-designed as Yahweh, I can't imagine him coming into existence by accident. I mean, if Yahweh had 0.000001% more anger issues, we wouldn't exist. If he were 0.00003% less needy about worship, we wouldn't exist. The odds are 2.371x1076 to one against Yahweh coming together by accident. The fine-tuning of Yahweh cries out for an explanation. I think the maturity and even-handedness of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is precisely that explanation.
May the meta-goddess make your god bless you.
We both agree that a laptop is designed by engineers. You now say engineers are designed by Yahweh, which is interesting. Taking the idea further, can I suggest that Yahweh was designed by the Invisible Pink Unicorn? It's just that when I look at something as intricate and well-designed as Yahweh, I can't imagine him coming into existence by accident. I mean, if Yahweh had 0.000001% more anger issues, we wouldn't exist. If he were 0.00003% less needy about worship, we wouldn't exist. The odds are 2.371x1076 to one against Yahweh coming together by accident. The fine-tuning of Yahweh cries out for an explanation. I think the maturity and even-handedness of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is precisely that explanation.
May the meta-goddess make your god bless you.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Veruthe Oru Cinema
I generally avoid "mainstream" Malayalam movies like the plague, and one of the reasons was brought home to me (again) the other day when I had to watch a few scenes of "വെറുതേ ഒരു ഭാര്യ" ("Veruthe Oru Bharya").
The protagonist has a wife and a teenage daughter. He gives his daughter a cell phone. She uses it to talk to a secret boyfriend (a classmate). Secret, because there is no other kind in Kerala. They grow close and one day he invites her to cut class and go to some event she desperately wants to go, and she agrees. So off they go in his jeep. But the jeep breaks down, they are stranded in what looks like a deserted forest and it gets late. Then three young goons appear out of nowhere and promptly prepare to abuse the girl while the previously bold boy is watching helplessly(!). Now the distraught protagonist appears, prompting the three young thugs to attack him instead. It is never clear why the three scrawny young men would choose to assault a boy and a girl, much less a man, a boy, and a girl together. Anyway, enough of that and the police appear suddenly, and the scene is over.
Now, I'm inclined to think that the moral of the contrived story is that the parents should know when their under-age children are on a date and where, but I forget where I am. So we cut to the Police station.
No surprises here--it is time for Mr. Responsible Policeman to tell the father and daughter (and the audience, no doubt) about the dangers of the cell phone and the internet, and how the two great evils of the technological age, namely, getting assaulted by psychopathic rapists and getting calls from a boyfriend, would have been avoided if the father weren't so liberal with the daughter.
*puke*
The protagonist has a wife and a teenage daughter. He gives his daughter a cell phone. She uses it to talk to a secret boyfriend (a classmate). Secret, because there is no other kind in Kerala. They grow close and one day he invites her to cut class and go to some event she desperately wants to go, and she agrees. So off they go in his jeep. But the jeep breaks down, they are stranded in what looks like a deserted forest and it gets late. Then three young goons appear out of nowhere and promptly prepare to abuse the girl while the previously bold boy is watching helplessly(!). Now the distraught protagonist appears, prompting the three young thugs to attack him instead. It is never clear why the three scrawny young men would choose to assault a boy and a girl, much less a man, a boy, and a girl together. Anyway, enough of that and the police appear suddenly, and the scene is over.
Now, I'm inclined to think that the moral of the contrived story is that the parents should know when their under-age children are on a date and where, but I forget where I am. So we cut to the Police station.
No surprises here--it is time for Mr. Responsible Policeman to tell the father and daughter (and the audience, no doubt) about the dangers of the cell phone and the internet, and how the two great evils of the technological age, namely, getting assaulted by psychopathic rapists and getting calls from a boyfriend, would have been avoided if the father weren't so liberal with the daughter.
*puke*
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Draw A Prophet Day
I don't want to talk about how I was intimidated into self-censorship on the Draw You-Know-Who Day, so it's Terrible Pun Day today:
What is the difference between suicide-by-cop and suicide-by-Islam?
In one you draw a gun, in the other you draw a prophet.
Why should cartoonists get life insurance?
So they can draw a profit from drawing a prophet.
***
What is the difference between suicide-by-cop and suicide-by-Islam?
In one you draw a gun, in the other you draw a prophet.
Why should cartoonists get life insurance?
So they can draw a profit from drawing a prophet.
***
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Reductionism Delusion
I'm tired of these reductionists. My complaint is about these fundamentalist scientific reductionists who try to deny me the comfort of thinking that my computer fried because my friend played Wolfenstein on it--and used a flamethrower. He happens to be a reductionist who stubbornly resists holism; he has no intentions of thinking outside of his rigid digital electronic box and owning up to the destruction he's caused. It is one thing to talk about microchips and gates and whatnot--don't think that I don't know about Carry Lookahead Adders--and quite another to deny outright the very possibility that my friend's binge with the flamethrower had absolutely anything to do with a component (which has a max operating temp of 100oC) going up in smoke. Am I to believe that all those computing newbies who think that their computers will blow up if they press any key to continue are delusional? Such arrogance is the hallmark of reductionism. It is the sort of error that only a naive reductionist like Richard Dawkins will commit.
This attempt to reduce love, sadness and nailgun-wielding aliens to neural networks and NAND gates is not just objectionable on moral grounds, but also on rational grounds. Who in their right minds would think that a romp with a rocket launcher in Quake III will not have an adverse effect on the motherboard which is definitely not designed to survive large high-explosive projectiles? You may claim that there is no evidence for this, but reductionistic science can only get us so far. Anyone not affected by such scientism understands that digital electronics doesn't have all the answers.
Another more subtle form of this philosophical travesty is when they try to claim that faith is not a valid way of knowing about reality. Our senses are unreliable, so how can we be sure that science is the only way of reliably learning about the universe? I mean, we cannot reliably know what goes on inside those microchips no matter how carefully we inspect them--basic Quantum Mechanics. So who's to say that more insight into the operation of the Floating Point Unit is gained by looking at microchips than by exploring the Unreal Tournament 2004 world? The arrogance of scientism and atheism might, but not those of us who are more sophisticated in dealing with such matters. Those hardware engineers who rashly deny such reasonable possibilities should perhaps remain more open-minded to the possibility that the all-day wargamer might have some guiding insights into the design of CPU microcode, rather than claim that their reductionist view of digital electronics, ones and zeroes, provide all the answers that they need. Clearly, their views have only as much validity as the RPG player's given the unreliability of it all. I'm not claiming that faith is all you need to know about the world or that game playing experience is all you need to design CPUs--I'm saying that Science and faith, like Digital Electronics and Doom III expertise, are complementary. Digital Electronics is simply rudderless without hours of NFS: Most Wanted experience to guide it, whether you are designing a binary adder or a CPU bus.
[Okay, so nobody broke my computer; but I have faith that somebody will, that ought to count]
This attempt to reduce love, sadness and nailgun-wielding aliens to neural networks and NAND gates is not just objectionable on moral grounds, but also on rational grounds. Who in their right minds would think that a romp with a rocket launcher in Quake III will not have an adverse effect on the motherboard which is definitely not designed to survive large high-explosive projectiles? You may claim that there is no evidence for this, but reductionistic science can only get us so far. Anyone not affected by such scientism understands that digital electronics doesn't have all the answers.
Another more subtle form of this philosophical travesty is when they try to claim that faith is not a valid way of knowing about reality. Our senses are unreliable, so how can we be sure that science is the only way of reliably learning about the universe? I mean, we cannot reliably know what goes on inside those microchips no matter how carefully we inspect them--basic Quantum Mechanics. So who's to say that more insight into the operation of the Floating Point Unit is gained by looking at microchips than by exploring the Unreal Tournament 2004 world? The arrogance of scientism and atheism might, but not those of us who are more sophisticated in dealing with such matters. Those hardware engineers who rashly deny such reasonable possibilities should perhaps remain more open-minded to the possibility that the all-day wargamer might have some guiding insights into the design of CPU microcode, rather than claim that their reductionist view of digital electronics, ones and zeroes, provide all the answers that they need. Clearly, their views have only as much validity as the RPG player's given the unreliability of it all. I'm not claiming that faith is all you need to know about the world or that game playing experience is all you need to design CPUs--I'm saying that Science and faith, like Digital Electronics and Doom III expertise, are complementary. Digital Electronics is simply rudderless without hours of NFS: Most Wanted experience to guide it, whether you are designing a binary adder or a CPU bus.
[Okay, so nobody broke my computer; but I have faith that somebody will, that ought to count]
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Answering an Amonoceratist
Hear ye heathens!
You, in your petty human vanity, think that Unicorn is silly and ridiculous. You refute a unicorn that has a horn and four legs. What a stupid strawman, Amonoceratists! All of you who revel in demolishing the idea of a hooved Unicorn, have you ever taken Monoceratology 101? Surely not, because if you had, you'd have noticed that the caricature that you despise and hate has nothing to do with the real Unicorn. The real Unicorn is more subtle than that. I am sure that those of you who are so literal minded will not accept or recognise the real Unicorn.
Sure, there are fundamentalists who promote the idea of an actually pink coloured Unicorn. They may not know that She is also invisible. Such foolishness! But surely, my Amonoceratist friends, you are not foolish enough to condemn the whole of Monoceratism by these misguided people? Who doesn't know that Her trampling of the heathen under her hooves is completely metaphorical? A literalist, surely. But I had imagined that the Amonoceratists are more intelligent than that. Apparently not.
Those of us who understand Monoceratology recognise the obvious arguments against the existence of a literal pink-maned Unicorn. But let me ask you, Amonoceratist, do you wish to throw the baby out with the bath water? Shouldn't you try and understand our beliefs before you stridently dismiss them based on a strawman?
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Some Ideas for Our New Memetically Engineered Religion
Purely memeplex survival-based:
(edited: 22/05/2010)
- Promote evidence-free faith as a virtue.
- Threaten with penalties for unbelief.
- Offer perks for belief.
- Tell believers to go forth and multiply.
- Tell believers to treat women as breeding machines and convince women to accept it.
- Oppose contraception and abortion.
- Indoctrinate children early on.
- Order them to behave well in society and preserve order as long as it serves the memeplex.
- It is okay to kill unbelievers, but do not provoke wars that you cannot win.
- Enjoin them to preach the true faith.
- Attribute good deeds to the memeplex.
- Maintain a priestly class who will preserve the integrity of the memeplex out of self-interest.
- Create an inquisition.
- Attempt to explain the world by integrating known science (risky--since it may threaten to tear the memeplex apart when new empirical evidence comes along).
- Integrate cultural practices for better acceptance and familiarity from the believers, and to provide a distinct identity at the risk of endangering horizontal transmission.
(edited: 22/05/2010)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Papa Benny's Medieval Meditations (Advice Column)
[Updated as and when Benny chooses to open his sacred mouth]
Never use condoms, dear Africans. They spread aids!
(Science be damned, you've got to stick to church doctrine when advising people. link)
***
Never use condoms, dear Africans. They spread aids!
(Science be damned, you've got to stick to church doctrine when advising people. link)
***
The Kottayam Declaration on Human Rights in Invisible Pink Unicornism
March 29, 2009
[English Translation]
This document shall, by the grace of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU, pbuh), serve as a guide for countries that want to implement the One True Divine Law (OTDL) of the IPU (pbuh). The OTDL is subject solely to the interpretation of the One True Prophet, whom now you have the honour of reading.
ARTICLE 1:
(a) All human beings are the same, ie, worthless trash in the eyes of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn. Only under Unicornism shall humans achieve true civilization.
(b) All women are equal human beings and there shall be no discrimination between women on the basis of gender. (Subject to the terms of the OTDL.)
(c) A man counts as 1/2 of a human being.
(d) Refer to the OTDL for the rights of infidels.
ARTICLE 2:
Everybody has the right not to be killed or harmed unless the OTDL or the IPU hint otherwise.
ARTICLE 3:
Every poor defenseless human dead body has a right to be free from assault by Anatomy students and such scum.
ARTICLE 4:
Children have rights--you guessed it, entirely subject to interpretations of the OTDL.
ARTICLE 5:
All women have the right to study Science so as to learn more about the divine attributes of the IPU (pbuh). Men are possibly not important to her.
ARTICLE 6
(a) Unicornism is the bestest religion ever. Unicorn rocks. Epic win.
(b) It is an abomination to trick, convince or force a person to leave the One True Religion of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. Offenders have the right to choose between being shot and hung.
ARTICLE 7:
Nobody has the right to oppress and subjugate people except the Invisible Pink Unicorn and Her agents.
ARTICLE 8:
(a) Everyone shall have the right to express his opinion freely in such manner as would not be contrary to the principles of the OTDL.
(b) Everyone shall have the right to advocate what is right, and propagate what is good, and warn against what is wrong and evil according to the norms of the Unicornic OTDL.
(c) Information may not be exploited or misused in such a way as may violate sanctities and the dignity of the IPU's prophets such as this author, undermine moral and ethical values or disintegrate, corrupt or harm society or weaken its faith in the Most Holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.
ARTICLE 9:
All the rights and freedoms stipulated in this Declaration are subject to the OTDL and the author's discretion.
May the Invisible Pink Unicorn bless us all, and save us all from being trampled under Her holy hooves.
Link to an even more progressive list of rights:
http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/instree/cairodeclaration.html
***
[English Translation]
This document shall, by the grace of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU, pbuh), serve as a guide for countries that want to implement the One True Divine Law (OTDL) of the IPU (pbuh). The OTDL is subject solely to the interpretation of the One True Prophet, whom now you have the honour of reading.
ARTICLE 1:
(a) All human beings are the same, ie, worthless trash in the eyes of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn. Only under Unicornism shall humans achieve true civilization.
(b) All women are equal human beings and there shall be no discrimination between women on the basis of gender. (Subject to the terms of the OTDL.)
(c) A man counts as 1/2 of a human being.
(d) Refer to the OTDL for the rights of infidels.
ARTICLE 2:
Everybody has the right not to be killed or harmed unless the OTDL or the IPU hint otherwise.
ARTICLE 3:
Every poor defenseless human dead body has a right to be free from assault by Anatomy students and such scum.
ARTICLE 4:
Children have rights--you guessed it, entirely subject to interpretations of the OTDL.
ARTICLE 5:
All women have the right to study Science so as to learn more about the divine attributes of the IPU (pbuh). Men are possibly not important to her.
ARTICLE 6
(a) Unicornism is the bestest religion ever. Unicorn rocks. Epic win.
(b) It is an abomination to trick, convince or force a person to leave the One True Religion of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. Offenders have the right to choose between being shot and hung.
ARTICLE 7:
Nobody has the right to oppress and subjugate people except the Invisible Pink Unicorn and Her agents.
ARTICLE 8:
(a) Everyone shall have the right to express his opinion freely in such manner as would not be contrary to the principles of the OTDL.
(b) Everyone shall have the right to advocate what is right, and propagate what is good, and warn against what is wrong and evil according to the norms of the Unicornic OTDL.
(c) Information may not be exploited or misused in such a way as may violate sanctities and the dignity of the IPU's prophets such as this author, undermine moral and ethical values or disintegrate, corrupt or harm society or weaken its faith in the Most Holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.
ARTICLE 9:
All the rights and freedoms stipulated in this Declaration are subject to the OTDL and the author's discretion.
May the Invisible Pink Unicorn bless us all, and save us all from being trampled under Her holy hooves.
Link to an even more progressive list of rights:
http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/instree/cairodeclaration.html
***
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Sh***a Guide to (Pedophiliac) Rape and Murder
The Procedure:
Step 1: When you rape, make sure that there are no witnesses, ie, that there are less than four m**lim males around who are willing to testify against you. Simple math (1 man = 2 women) gives the number eight if all witnesses are women. Keep in mind that your own testimony is worth that of two victims, for women are not to be trusted in general and especially in court.
Step 2: If you want, you can claim that your enemy was committing adultery with the said woman/child at the time, provided you can "discover" four m**lim male witnesses. Depending on your court, this may not even be needed for a death sentence for HER.
Step 3: Once you are set free, join in on the stoning ceremony to finish her, for the punishment for adultery is often stoning.
Alternative Approach:
You can rape all you want if you are married to the woman/child in question, in most Sh***a jurisdictions.
The Practice:
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2008/11/2008111201216476354.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7708169.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/08/07/afghan.family/index.html?eref=rss_world
Enjoy!
Step 1: When you rape, make sure that there are no witnesses, ie, that there are less than four m**lim males around who are willing to testify against you. Simple math (1 man = 2 women) gives the number eight if all witnesses are women. Keep in mind that your own testimony is worth that of two victims, for women are not to be trusted in general and especially in court.
Step 2: If you want, you can claim that your enemy was committing adultery with the said woman/child at the time, provided you can "discover" four m**lim male witnesses. Depending on your court, this may not even be needed for a death sentence for HER.
Step 3: Once you are set free, join in on the stoning ceremony to finish her, for the punishment for adultery is often stoning.
Alternative Approach:
You can rape all you want if you are married to the woman/child in question, in most Sh***a jurisdictions.
The Practice:
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2008/11/2008111201216476354.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7708169.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/08/07/afghan.family/index.html?eref=rss_world
Enjoy!
***
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Area Man Has Trouble Believing He's Not In Europe As Local Girl Attains Sainthood
Bharananganam: Local man Matthayichen Nasrani is still in a daze of excitement hours after India's first Catholic Saint was named from his very neighborhood. "I knew it!", he exclaims, "I knew it the moment [in a 2002 Cricket match] Annakkutty (St. Alphonsa) successfully mediated my request to make Sachin [Tendulkar] hit a six on Shoaib Aktar's ball". He also adds that he will be dropping Tendulkar and supporting the saint from now on, strictly based on Cricketing performance.
He relates how as he passed the tomb of the saint this afternoon, he had the urge to stop the bus, get out and go see the saint. But he eventually decided against it because, he says, he didn't know much about the public transit system in Italy. "I'm pretty sure that it was not that Fiat Palio's overtaking us that confused me, but rather the thought that I was now passing through saint-producing land. I was certain that if I wasn't in Padua, I must've been in Marseilles or Barcelona or Vienna". He goes on to comment on the exciting prospect that just a damn lot more saints and Kerala, with maybe 6 million christians, will be as theologically advanced as Italy.
Matthaichen then talks about how he used to consider old Portuguese religious imperialism troubling, and how the advent of this sainthood has helped him put the Synod of Diamper and the Goa Inquisition in perspective. "If they hadn't come and forcibly converted malabar christians into catholics, would this sainthood have been possible now?", he says, going on to describe how the bunch of Nestorian heretics in this country at the time didn't even deserve to become catholics. As for the large sections of malabar christians who went back to the old middle-eastern authorities and traditions in 1653, Matthaichen expects that they are now secretly regretting their hasty decision.
When asked about the life and example of the newly sainted, Matthayichen describes how his life was transformed by the good saint: "When I didn't know better, I had this dream of maybe one day joining a medical research team and curing cancer and such. But once I accepted the then Blessed Alphonsa as my personal mediator, I asked myself, 'what would Alphonsa do?' The answer was immediately clear. It was her lifelong illness and suffering that made her a saint, not some bloody modern miracle cure that would've left her an ex-sick-nun without a trade. Nowadays I just admire people's suffering, relishing how it brings them closer to God."
He relates how as he passed the tomb of the saint this afternoon, he had the urge to stop the bus, get out and go see the saint. But he eventually decided against it because, he says, he didn't know much about the public transit system in Italy. "I'm pretty sure that it was not that Fiat Palio's overtaking us that confused me, but rather the thought that I was now passing through saint-producing land. I was certain that if I wasn't in Padua, I must've been in Marseilles or Barcelona or Vienna". He goes on to comment on the exciting prospect that just a damn lot more saints and Kerala, with maybe 6 million christians, will be as theologically advanced as Italy.
Matthaichen then talks about how he used to consider old Portuguese religious imperialism troubling, and how the advent of this sainthood has helped him put the Synod of Diamper and the Goa Inquisition in perspective. "If they hadn't come and forcibly converted malabar christians into catholics, would this sainthood have been possible now?", he says, going on to describe how the bunch of Nestorian heretics in this country at the time didn't even deserve to become catholics. As for the large sections of malabar christians who went back to the old middle-eastern authorities and traditions in 1653, Matthaichen expects that they are now secretly regretting their hasty decision.
When asked about the life and example of the newly sainted, Matthayichen describes how his life was transformed by the good saint: "When I didn't know better, I had this dream of maybe one day joining a medical research team and curing cancer and such. But once I accepted the then Blessed Alphonsa as my personal mediator, I asked myself, 'what would Alphonsa do?' The answer was immediately clear. It was her lifelong illness and suffering that made her a saint, not some bloody modern miracle cure that would've left her an ex-sick-nun without a trade. Nowadays I just admire people's suffering, relishing how it brings them closer to God."
***
Saturday, September 27, 2008
De Destitutione Christi
[Something I wrote a few years ago]
[Judaea c. XXXIII a. D.]
P. Pilatus: "Rex est tu?"
J. Christus: "Regnum meum non est de hoc mundo."
[post duo millennia: Benedictus XVI et Pontius Pilatus stati sunt]
P. Pilatus: "Benedicte Sextusdecime, Rex est tu?"
B. XVI: "Vero rex sum. Regnum meum est in Italia tua. Memorasne Potestas mea Imperatore antiquo tuo assignata esse? Sed terrae meae non totaliter mihi Mussolinio, alio imperatore Romae tuae, datae sunt; nam habeo etiam terras falso canone nostro ex multis populis mundi aversas."
[Intrant Jesus Christus et Diabolus.]
Diabolus: "Idiota, ante dicebam 'tibi omnia dabo si cadens adoraveris me'. Nunc vide ecclesiam tuam, astutior quam te! Ego ecclesiae tuae dedi hoc regnum, quid abnuebas! Cognosce nunc quis verus rex regum mortalum est!"
J. Christus: [clamat] "Ecclesia mea, ecclesia mea, ut quid dereliquisti me?!"
[finis]
[Judaea c. XXXIII a. D.]
P. Pilatus: "Rex est tu?"
J. Christus: "Regnum meum non est de hoc mundo."
[post duo millennia: Benedictus XVI et Pontius Pilatus stati sunt]
P. Pilatus: "Benedicte Sextusdecime, Rex est tu?"
B. XVI: "Vero rex sum. Regnum meum est in Italia tua. Memorasne Potestas mea Imperatore antiquo tuo assignata esse? Sed terrae meae non totaliter mihi Mussolinio, alio imperatore Romae tuae, datae sunt; nam habeo etiam terras falso canone nostro ex multis populis mundi aversas."
[Intrant Jesus Christus et Diabolus.]
Diabolus: "Idiota, ante dicebam 'tibi omnia dabo si cadens adoraveris me'. Nunc vide ecclesiam tuam, astutior quam te! Ego ecclesiae tuae dedi hoc regnum, quid abnuebas! Cognosce nunc quis verus rex regum mortalum est!"
J. Christus: [clamat] "Ecclesia mea, ecclesia mea, ut quid dereliquisti me?!"
[finis]
***
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
DIY Desecration (A kind of Italian voodoo)
[By someone who has attended hundreds of such summoning rituals.]
Get some wine and an unleavened edible wafer.
Now say this dark dead-language catholic incantation over them:
"Hic est enim Calix Sanguinis mei, novi et aeterni testamenti; mysterium fidei: qui pro vobis et pro multis effundetur in remissionem peccatorum."
This turns the wafer into a homunculus of a certain Middle Eastern zombie called Yeshu. Now proceed to nailing, zapping, the rack, flamethrower, crucifixion, whatever.
The aim of this dark magic is to practice a primitive form of mind control. A murderous rage is often documented in a certain sect of ritualistic cannibals with this powerful magic. Be warned that these individuals have an altered perception of reality and may assault you in this paranoid rage. In fact, this is precisely the experience of the reputed traditional practitioners of this magic, an originally Middle Eastern sect of clairvoyants and magicians who must, one surmises, be foolishly brave to persist in this particular dangerous magic.
A great and famous warlock who is reputed to have done this (for him trivial) magic recently is the Wizard of PZ, Myers. He records the developments at his Pharynguleal Journal of Life-spirit Magic.
Get some wine and an unleavened edible wafer.
Now say this dark dead-language catholic incantation over them:
"Hic est enim Calix Sanguinis mei, novi et aeterni testamenti; mysterium fidei: qui pro vobis et pro multis effundetur in remissionem peccatorum."
This turns the wafer into a homunculus of a certain Middle Eastern zombie called Yeshu. Now proceed to nailing, zapping, the rack, flamethrower, crucifixion, whatever.
The aim of this dark magic is to practice a primitive form of mind control. A murderous rage is often documented in a certain sect of ritualistic cannibals with this powerful magic. Be warned that these individuals have an altered perception of reality and may assault you in this paranoid rage. In fact, this is precisely the experience of the reputed traditional practitioners of this magic, an originally Middle Eastern sect of clairvoyants and magicians who must, one surmises, be foolishly brave to persist in this particular dangerous magic.
A great and famous warlock who is reputed to have done this (for him trivial) magic recently is the Wizard of PZ, Myers. He records the developments at his Pharynguleal Journal of Life-spirit Magic.
***
Sunday, August 3, 2008
30C Homoeopathic Beer
Disclaimer: Don't try this at home. Making beer without a license may be a criminal offense in your country. The author hereby disclaims all damages, drunken damage and burned throats attributed to the execution of this recipe.
Required
Coffee is a well known stimulant, known to induce sobriety in a normal drunk person. The law of similars is stated as "similia similibus curantur", which is a fancy Latin Homoeopathic way of saying that "like cures like". Thus, the very liquid that causes sobriety in a normal drunk person can be used to make a Homoeopathic medicine that can cure the ills of an abnormally sober person. Armed with this splendid knowledge, let us move on to the preparation of our 30C Homoeopathic beer.
Measure out 10ml of coffee, also known in Homoeopathy as the mother tincture. Take a 1 litre bottle and put the 10ml in it. Fill the bottle with 990ml of water from the tap. Shake the bottle carefully 18 times or so alternating with taps on a piece of leather, such as a bag or a belt. Now you have in your hands a litre of 1C Homoeopathic beer. However, we will not need such a weak drink. Measure out 10ml from the bottle and pour the rest away. Again, add 990ml of water to our 10ml of 1C solution. Again shake and tap to dynamize our drink. We have now obtained a 2C beer, slightly more potent. Take 10ml from it and repeat this process 30 times until we have a 30C solution. Be very careful with the disposal of waste solution at the later stages, as the solution is sufficiently potentiated as to be an environmental hazard. Your 30C Homoeopathic beer is now ready for drinking and you are advised to be a responsible drunk.
As we know, traditional double blind placebo controlled clinical trials that are used to test Allopathic drugs and beer do not work on our Homoeopathic beer. Also, such methods as chemical analysis and tasting will not detect the effects of our potentiation. Thus our highly potent beer is safe to carry in large quantities across police checkpoints as well.
If you wish to have your transsubstan... um, potentiated beer chilled and fizzy, you may alternatively make a mother tincture from equal amounts of boiling water and 3 day old stale cola with lots of caffeine.
***
Required
- pot of black coffee. (see text)
- access to a water source, such as a tap.
- 10ml measure
- 1l bottle
Coffee is a well known stimulant, known to induce sobriety in a normal drunk person. The law of similars is stated as "similia similibus curantur", which is a fancy Latin Homoeopathic way of saying that "like cures like". Thus, the very liquid that causes sobriety in a normal drunk person can be used to make a Homoeopathic medicine that can cure the ills of an abnormally sober person. Armed with this splendid knowledge, let us move on to the preparation of our 30C Homoeopathic beer.
Measure out 10ml of coffee, also known in Homoeopathy as the mother tincture. Take a 1 litre bottle and put the 10ml in it. Fill the bottle with 990ml of water from the tap. Shake the bottle carefully 18 times or so alternating with taps on a piece of leather, such as a bag or a belt. Now you have in your hands a litre of 1C Homoeopathic beer. However, we will not need such a weak drink. Measure out 10ml from the bottle and pour the rest away. Again, add 990ml of water to our 10ml of 1C solution. Again shake and tap to dynamize our drink. We have now obtained a 2C beer, slightly more potent. Take 10ml from it and repeat this process 30 times until we have a 30C solution. Be very careful with the disposal of waste solution at the later stages, as the solution is sufficiently potentiated as to be an environmental hazard. Your 30C Homoeopathic beer is now ready for drinking and you are advised to be a responsible drunk.
As we know, traditional double blind placebo controlled clinical trials that are used to test Allopathic drugs and beer do not work on our Homoeopathic beer. Also, such methods as chemical analysis and tasting will not detect the effects of our potentiation. Thus our highly potent beer is safe to carry in large quantities across police checkpoints as well.
If you wish to have your transsubstan... um, potentiated beer chilled and fizzy, you may alternatively make a mother tincture from equal amounts of boiling water and 3 day old stale cola with lots of caffeine.
***
Friday, August 1, 2008
Looks Like I Can Blog In Malayalam, but...
മലയാളത്തിലും എനിക്ക് വേണമെന്കില് ബ്ലോഗ് ചെയ്യാം എന്ന് കാണുന്നു, പക്ഷെ...
... I'll want to make another blog for that. I'll just say that this is awesome. കലിപ്പ്.
Now back to the irregular program.
... I'll want to make another blog for that. I'll just say that this is awesome. കലിപ്പ്.
Now back to the irregular program.
***
Teach the Controversy...
Gravitation: Fact or Theory?
Gravitation is a theory. Intelligent Guidance is a theory. That aliens visit us daily is a theory. But then, why do they teach only one of these theories in class rooms in India, in America, everywhere? The answer is simple. Academia is filled with Newtonists and they will expel anyone who doesn't buy into the dogma of Newtonism.
The Controversy
One sad fact here is that many of us who were brainwashed in school do not know that there are gaps in Gravitational Theory. Aside from postulating without offering a hint of a proof that every object attracts every other, Newton offers no explanation whatsoever for gravitational lensing, black holes, Quantum mechanics, the drift in Mercury's orbit or the attraction between the sexes. So much for their great prophet. When will they admit that Newton was wrong? Well, I'm not holding my breath.
If gravity is true, and things always fall down, why are there still pyramids? That they haven't fallen is proof that something is wrong with this theory. Then there is Irreducible Levity, the understanding that the behaviour of certain objects cannot be explained by chance attraction. Random attraction cannot explain the behaviour of a hydrogen balloon or a zeppelin for instance. Intelligent Guidance, where an edible external intelligence decides which objects should fall and which should rise, is the only tastable explanation. But Newtonists justifiably fear the discussion of such weaknesses in their pet theory. Thus they will go to any lengths to prevent the academic freedom to do this kind of advanced research and improvisation in public schools. I mean, why else would they not want children to learn that there is a pretty reasonable chance that thunder may be Zeus' doing and nothing to do with electric charges?
The weaknesses don't end there. Did you know that there are people called Australians (antipodes), who live below the Earth? Clearly, if gravity were true, instead of sticking to the Earth, they would long ago have fallen away into space. Again, the only explanation is a benevolent external intelligence whose noodly appendages hold those unfortunate inverted people safely to the Earth.
Just now, I distractedly threw a paper ball in the general direction of the waste basket. Imagine my surprise when I later found the paper in the basket, having miraculously missed the table, the stack of books and the chair. Random gravity or chance clearly cannot explain it. Why didn't it land in my pocket by chance? I cannot imagine how this could have happened by random gravity. I know that the scientific establishment dismisses Special Placement as unscientific, but I'm sure that even an ignorant American legislator can see how only Intelligent Guidance can explain this delicious instance of Irreducible Pathfinding.
What Evidence?
Newtonists say that the planets gravitated into their current positions. As we know, this is very improbable. The odds of the Earth being where it is at present rather than elsewhere in the galaxy is more than 10^152346 against. So we expect that Newtonists have some compelling evidence. Surprise surprise, there is none. They have some footage of things falling--instances of Micro Gravitation. What is the evidence for Macro Gravity? Do they present video footage of the entire development of the solar system? Well, no. They only have very recent footage. And even then, you'd think they have a complete series of shots. As it turns out, there are gaps in the record when, as they claim, their equipment went offline. Will they ever fill those missing links?
Moral Implications
Social Gravitation is a school of thought that deals with how like-minded people gravitate together and form exclusive clubs. Clearly this is immoral. If Social Gravitation didn't exist, would Hitler and friends have drifted together and would they have started the Nazi Party? Newton's theory says that matter attracts matter. Matter doesn't attract energy or any such yucky inferior stuff. Likewise, like-minded evil people attract each other. Without Newton and his Gravitation, there would have been no Nazi Party, no Holocaust and no World War Two. This is the morality of those whom we oppose, my brothers and sisters.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Militant Theist Deserves Effigy Burning
It seems that a militant New Theist, a baptist Christian, has claimed that there is a god, and thus deeply offended and oppressed Prof. Richard Dawkins and his minions (that's me). A burning in effigy of the said baptist and Jesus Christ himself by the Oxford professor followed.
The baptist's offence is in line with all the genocides committed in the name of theistic political ideologies. I'm sure that Vlad the Impaler, Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Pope Innocent III, Tamerlane and the rest of the theist murderers are even now approving the baptists from their non-existent heavens.
At this rate, it won't be long before they start drawing cartoons of our prophet Dawkins (pbuh), and then all non-existent hell will break loose.
...
Oh wait, did I get some of it backwards?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wSyKtiYUegU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hc6ggAwjG00
http://theframeproblem.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/baptist-fundamentalists-hold-mock-richard-dawkins-funeral-burn-him-in-effigy/
The baptist's offence is in line with all the genocides committed in the name of theistic political ideologies. I'm sure that Vlad the Impaler, Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Pope Innocent III, Tamerlane and the rest of the theist murderers are even now approving the baptists from their non-existent heavens.
At this rate, it won't be long before they start drawing cartoons of our prophet Dawkins (pbuh), and then all non-existent hell will break loose.
...
Oh wait, did I get some of it backwards?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wSyKtiYUegU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hc6ggAwjG00
http://theframeproblem.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/baptist-fundamentalists-hold-mock-richard-dawkins-funeral-burn-him-in-effigy/
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Hello World!
Hello, hello, testing, testing...
Yet another [attempt at a] blog. Time will tell whether I'll stick to this one. Happy new year everyone!
ETA: This blog will be mostly satire, and given how some forms of serious charlatanry, politics and faith (Scientology comes to mind) are better than your average satire, forgive me for not posting more obvious notices throughout the blog.
Yet another [attempt at a] blog. Time will tell whether I'll stick to this one. Happy new year everyone!
ETA: This blog will be mostly satire, and given how some forms of serious charlatanry, politics and faith (Scientology comes to mind) are better than your average satire, forgive me for not posting more obvious notices throughout the blog.
***
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