[Updated as and when Benny chooses to open his sacred mouth]
Never use condoms, dear Africans. They spread aids!
(Science be damned, you've got to stick to church doctrine when advising people. link)
***
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Kottayam Declaration on Human Rights in Invisible Pink Unicornism
March 29, 2009
[English Translation]
This document shall, by the grace of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU, pbuh), serve as a guide for countries that want to implement the One True Divine Law (OTDL) of the IPU (pbuh). The OTDL is subject solely to the interpretation of the One True Prophet, whom now you have the honour of reading.
ARTICLE 1:
(a) All human beings are the same, ie, worthless trash in the eyes of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn. Only under Unicornism shall humans achieve true civilization.
(b) All women are equal human beings and there shall be no discrimination between women on the basis of gender. (Subject to the terms of the OTDL.)
(c) A man counts as 1/2 of a human being.
(d) Refer to the OTDL for the rights of infidels.
ARTICLE 2:
Everybody has the right not to be killed or harmed unless the OTDL or the IPU hint otherwise.
ARTICLE 3:
Every poor defenseless human dead body has a right to be free from assault by Anatomy students and such scum.
ARTICLE 4:
Children have rights--you guessed it, entirely subject to interpretations of the OTDL.
ARTICLE 5:
All women have the right to study Science so as to learn more about the divine attributes of the IPU (pbuh). Men are possibly not important to her.
ARTICLE 6
(a) Unicornism is the bestest religion ever. Unicorn rocks. Epic win.
(b) It is an abomination to trick, convince or force a person to leave the One True Religion of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. Offenders have the right to choose between being shot and hung.
ARTICLE 7:
Nobody has the right to oppress and subjugate people except the Invisible Pink Unicorn and Her agents.
ARTICLE 8:
(a) Everyone shall have the right to express his opinion freely in such manner as would not be contrary to the principles of the OTDL.
(b) Everyone shall have the right to advocate what is right, and propagate what is good, and warn against what is wrong and evil according to the norms of the Unicornic OTDL.
(c) Information may not be exploited or misused in such a way as may violate sanctities and the dignity of the IPU's prophets such as this author, undermine moral and ethical values or disintegrate, corrupt or harm society or weaken its faith in the Most Holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.
ARTICLE 9:
All the rights and freedoms stipulated in this Declaration are subject to the OTDL and the author's discretion.
May the Invisible Pink Unicorn bless us all, and save us all from being trampled under Her holy hooves.
Link to an even more progressive list of rights:
http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/instree/cairodeclaration.html
***
[English Translation]
This document shall, by the grace of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU, pbuh), serve as a guide for countries that want to implement the One True Divine Law (OTDL) of the IPU (pbuh). The OTDL is subject solely to the interpretation of the One True Prophet, whom now you have the honour of reading.
ARTICLE 1:
(a) All human beings are the same, ie, worthless trash in the eyes of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn. Only under Unicornism shall humans achieve true civilization.
(b) All women are equal human beings and there shall be no discrimination between women on the basis of gender. (Subject to the terms of the OTDL.)
(c) A man counts as 1/2 of a human being.
(d) Refer to the OTDL for the rights of infidels.
ARTICLE 2:
Everybody has the right not to be killed or harmed unless the OTDL or the IPU hint otherwise.
ARTICLE 3:
Every poor defenseless human dead body has a right to be free from assault by Anatomy students and such scum.
ARTICLE 4:
Children have rights--you guessed it, entirely subject to interpretations of the OTDL.
ARTICLE 5:
All women have the right to study Science so as to learn more about the divine attributes of the IPU (pbuh). Men are possibly not important to her.
ARTICLE 6
(a) Unicornism is the bestest religion ever. Unicorn rocks. Epic win.
(b) It is an abomination to trick, convince or force a person to leave the One True Religion of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. Offenders have the right to choose between being shot and hung.
ARTICLE 7:
Nobody has the right to oppress and subjugate people except the Invisible Pink Unicorn and Her agents.
ARTICLE 8:
(a) Everyone shall have the right to express his opinion freely in such manner as would not be contrary to the principles of the OTDL.
(b) Everyone shall have the right to advocate what is right, and propagate what is good, and warn against what is wrong and evil according to the norms of the Unicornic OTDL.
(c) Information may not be exploited or misused in such a way as may violate sanctities and the dignity of the IPU's prophets such as this author, undermine moral and ethical values or disintegrate, corrupt or harm society or weaken its faith in the Most Holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.
ARTICLE 9:
All the rights and freedoms stipulated in this Declaration are subject to the OTDL and the author's discretion.
May the Invisible Pink Unicorn bless us all, and save us all from being trampled under Her holy hooves.
Link to an even more progressive list of rights:
http://www1.umn.edu/humanrts/instree/cairodeclaration.html
***
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Sh***a Guide to (Pedophiliac) Rape and Murder
The Procedure:
Step 1: When you rape, make sure that there are no witnesses, ie, that there are less than four m**lim males around who are willing to testify against you. Simple math (1 man = 2 women) gives the number eight if all witnesses are women. Keep in mind that your own testimony is worth that of two victims, for women are not to be trusted in general and especially in court.
Step 2: If you want, you can claim that your enemy was committing adultery with the said woman/child at the time, provided you can "discover" four m**lim male witnesses. Depending on your court, this may not even be needed for a death sentence for HER.
Step 3: Once you are set free, join in on the stoning ceremony to finish her, for the punishment for adultery is often stoning.
Alternative Approach:
You can rape all you want if you are married to the woman/child in question, in most Sh***a jurisdictions.
The Practice:
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2008/11/2008111201216476354.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7708169.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/08/07/afghan.family/index.html?eref=rss_world
Enjoy!
Step 1: When you rape, make sure that there are no witnesses, ie, that there are less than four m**lim males around who are willing to testify against you. Simple math (1 man = 2 women) gives the number eight if all witnesses are women. Keep in mind that your own testimony is worth that of two victims, for women are not to be trusted in general and especially in court.
Step 2: If you want, you can claim that your enemy was committing adultery with the said woman/child at the time, provided you can "discover" four m**lim male witnesses. Depending on your court, this may not even be needed for a death sentence for HER.
Step 3: Once you are set free, join in on the stoning ceremony to finish her, for the punishment for adultery is often stoning.
Alternative Approach:
You can rape all you want if you are married to the woman/child in question, in most Sh***a jurisdictions.
The Practice:
http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2008/11/2008111201216476354.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7708169.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/08/07/afghan.family/index.html?eref=rss_world
Enjoy!
***
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Area Man Has Trouble Believing He's Not In Europe As Local Girl Attains Sainthood
Bharananganam: Local man Matthayichen Nasrani is still in a daze of excitement hours after India's first Catholic Saint was named from his very neighborhood. "I knew it!", he exclaims, "I knew it the moment [in a 2002 Cricket match] Annakkutty (St. Alphonsa) successfully mediated my request to make Sachin [Tendulkar] hit a six on Shoaib Aktar's ball". He also adds that he will be dropping Tendulkar and supporting the saint from now on, strictly based on Cricketing performance.
He relates how as he passed the tomb of the saint this afternoon, he had the urge to stop the bus, get out and go see the saint. But he eventually decided against it because, he says, he didn't know much about the public transit system in Italy. "I'm pretty sure that it was not that Fiat Palio's overtaking us that confused me, but rather the thought that I was now passing through saint-producing land. I was certain that if I wasn't in Padua, I must've been in Marseilles or Barcelona or Vienna". He goes on to comment on the exciting prospect that just a damn lot more saints and Kerala, with maybe 6 million christians, will be as theologically advanced as Italy.
Matthaichen then talks about how he used to consider old Portuguese religious imperialism troubling, and how the advent of this sainthood has helped him put the Synod of Diamper and the Goa Inquisition in perspective. "If they hadn't come and forcibly converted malabar christians into catholics, would this sainthood have been possible now?", he says, going on to describe how the bunch of Nestorian heretics in this country at the time didn't even deserve to become catholics. As for the large sections of malabar christians who went back to the old middle-eastern authorities and traditions in 1653, Matthaichen expects that they are now secretly regretting their hasty decision.
When asked about the life and example of the newly sainted, Matthayichen describes how his life was transformed by the good saint: "When I didn't know better, I had this dream of maybe one day joining a medical research team and curing cancer and such. But once I accepted the then Blessed Alphonsa as my personal mediator, I asked myself, 'what would Alphonsa do?' The answer was immediately clear. It was her lifelong illness and suffering that made her a saint, not some bloody modern miracle cure that would've left her an ex-sick-nun without a trade. Nowadays I just admire people's suffering, relishing how it brings them closer to God."
He relates how as he passed the tomb of the saint this afternoon, he had the urge to stop the bus, get out and go see the saint. But he eventually decided against it because, he says, he didn't know much about the public transit system in Italy. "I'm pretty sure that it was not that Fiat Palio's overtaking us that confused me, but rather the thought that I was now passing through saint-producing land. I was certain that if I wasn't in Padua, I must've been in Marseilles or Barcelona or Vienna". He goes on to comment on the exciting prospect that just a damn lot more saints and Kerala, with maybe 6 million christians, will be as theologically advanced as Italy.
Matthaichen then talks about how he used to consider old Portuguese religious imperialism troubling, and how the advent of this sainthood has helped him put the Synod of Diamper and the Goa Inquisition in perspective. "If they hadn't come and forcibly converted malabar christians into catholics, would this sainthood have been possible now?", he says, going on to describe how the bunch of Nestorian heretics in this country at the time didn't even deserve to become catholics. As for the large sections of malabar christians who went back to the old middle-eastern authorities and traditions in 1653, Matthaichen expects that they are now secretly regretting their hasty decision.
When asked about the life and example of the newly sainted, Matthayichen describes how his life was transformed by the good saint: "When I didn't know better, I had this dream of maybe one day joining a medical research team and curing cancer and such. But once I accepted the then Blessed Alphonsa as my personal mediator, I asked myself, 'what would Alphonsa do?' The answer was immediately clear. It was her lifelong illness and suffering that made her a saint, not some bloody modern miracle cure that would've left her an ex-sick-nun without a trade. Nowadays I just admire people's suffering, relishing how it brings them closer to God."
***
Saturday, September 27, 2008
De Destitutione Christi
[Something I wrote a few years ago]
[Judaea c. XXXIII a. D.]
P. Pilatus: "Rex est tu?"
J. Christus: "Regnum meum non est de hoc mundo."
[post duo millennia: Benedictus XVI et Pontius Pilatus stati sunt]
P. Pilatus: "Benedicte Sextusdecime, Rex est tu?"
B. XVI: "Vero rex sum. Regnum meum est in Italia tua. Memorasne Potestas mea Imperatore antiquo tuo assignata esse? Sed terrae meae non totaliter mihi Mussolinio, alio imperatore Romae tuae, datae sunt; nam habeo etiam terras falso canone nostro ex multis populis mundi aversas."
[Intrant Jesus Christus et Diabolus.]
Diabolus: "Idiota, ante dicebam 'tibi omnia dabo si cadens adoraveris me'. Nunc vide ecclesiam tuam, astutior quam te! Ego ecclesiae tuae dedi hoc regnum, quid abnuebas! Cognosce nunc quis verus rex regum mortalum est!"
J. Christus: [clamat] "Ecclesia mea, ecclesia mea, ut quid dereliquisti me?!"
[finis]
[Judaea c. XXXIII a. D.]
P. Pilatus: "Rex est tu?"
J. Christus: "Regnum meum non est de hoc mundo."
[post duo millennia: Benedictus XVI et Pontius Pilatus stati sunt]
P. Pilatus: "Benedicte Sextusdecime, Rex est tu?"
B. XVI: "Vero rex sum. Regnum meum est in Italia tua. Memorasne Potestas mea Imperatore antiquo tuo assignata esse? Sed terrae meae non totaliter mihi Mussolinio, alio imperatore Romae tuae, datae sunt; nam habeo etiam terras falso canone nostro ex multis populis mundi aversas."
[Intrant Jesus Christus et Diabolus.]
Diabolus: "Idiota, ante dicebam 'tibi omnia dabo si cadens adoraveris me'. Nunc vide ecclesiam tuam, astutior quam te! Ego ecclesiae tuae dedi hoc regnum, quid abnuebas! Cognosce nunc quis verus rex regum mortalum est!"
J. Christus: [clamat] "Ecclesia mea, ecclesia mea, ut quid dereliquisti me?!"
[finis]
***
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
DIY Desecration (A kind of Italian voodoo)
[By someone who has attended hundreds of such summoning rituals.]
Get some wine and an unleavened edible wafer.
Now say this dark dead-language catholic incantation over them:
"Hic est enim Calix Sanguinis mei, novi et aeterni testamenti; mysterium fidei: qui pro vobis et pro multis effundetur in remissionem peccatorum."
This turns the wafer into a homunculus of a certain Middle Eastern zombie called Yeshu. Now proceed to nailing, zapping, the rack, flamethrower, crucifixion, whatever.
The aim of this dark magic is to practice a primitive form of mind control. A murderous rage is often documented in a certain sect of ritualistic cannibals with this powerful magic. Be warned that these individuals have an altered perception of reality and may assault you in this paranoid rage. In fact, this is precisely the experience of the reputed traditional practitioners of this magic, an originally Middle Eastern sect of clairvoyants and magicians who must, one surmises, be foolishly brave to persist in this particular dangerous magic.
A great and famous warlock who is reputed to have done this (for him trivial) magic recently is the Wizard of PZ, Myers. He records the developments at his Pharynguleal Journal of Life-spirit Magic.
Get some wine and an unleavened edible wafer.
Now say this dark dead-language catholic incantation over them:
"Hic est enim Calix Sanguinis mei, novi et aeterni testamenti; mysterium fidei: qui pro vobis et pro multis effundetur in remissionem peccatorum."
This turns the wafer into a homunculus of a certain Middle Eastern zombie called Yeshu. Now proceed to nailing, zapping, the rack, flamethrower, crucifixion, whatever.
The aim of this dark magic is to practice a primitive form of mind control. A murderous rage is often documented in a certain sect of ritualistic cannibals with this powerful magic. Be warned that these individuals have an altered perception of reality and may assault you in this paranoid rage. In fact, this is precisely the experience of the reputed traditional practitioners of this magic, an originally Middle Eastern sect of clairvoyants and magicians who must, one surmises, be foolishly brave to persist in this particular dangerous magic.
A great and famous warlock who is reputed to have done this (for him trivial) magic recently is the Wizard of PZ, Myers. He records the developments at his Pharynguleal Journal of Life-spirit Magic.
***
Sunday, August 3, 2008
30C Homoeopathic Beer
Disclaimer: Don't try this at home. Making beer without a license may be a criminal offense in your country. The author hereby disclaims all damages, drunken damage and burned throats attributed to the execution of this recipe.
Required
Coffee is a well known stimulant, known to induce sobriety in a normal drunk person. The law of similars is stated as "similia similibus curantur", which is a fancy Latin Homoeopathic way of saying that "like cures like". Thus, the very liquid that causes sobriety in a normal drunk person can be used to make a Homoeopathic medicine that can cure the ills of an abnormally sober person. Armed with this splendid knowledge, let us move on to the preparation of our 30C Homoeopathic beer.
Measure out 10ml of coffee, also known in Homoeopathy as the mother tincture. Take a 1 litre bottle and put the 10ml in it. Fill the bottle with 990ml of water from the tap. Shake the bottle carefully 18 times or so alternating with taps on a piece of leather, such as a bag or a belt. Now you have in your hands a litre of 1C Homoeopathic beer. However, we will not need such a weak drink. Measure out 10ml from the bottle and pour the rest away. Again, add 990ml of water to our 10ml of 1C solution. Again shake and tap to dynamize our drink. We have now obtained a 2C beer, slightly more potent. Take 10ml from it and repeat this process 30 times until we have a 30C solution. Be very careful with the disposal of waste solution at the later stages, as the solution is sufficiently potentiated as to be an environmental hazard. Your 30C Homoeopathic beer is now ready for drinking and you are advised to be a responsible drunk.
As we know, traditional double blind placebo controlled clinical trials that are used to test Allopathic drugs and beer do not work on our Homoeopathic beer. Also, such methods as chemical analysis and tasting will not detect the effects of our potentiation. Thus our highly potent beer is safe to carry in large quantities across police checkpoints as well.
If you wish to have your transsubstan... um, potentiated beer chilled and fizzy, you may alternatively make a mother tincture from equal amounts of boiling water and 3 day old stale cola with lots of caffeine.
***
Required
- pot of black coffee. (see text)
- access to a water source, such as a tap.
- 10ml measure
- 1l bottle
Coffee is a well known stimulant, known to induce sobriety in a normal drunk person. The law of similars is stated as "similia similibus curantur", which is a fancy Latin Homoeopathic way of saying that "like cures like". Thus, the very liquid that causes sobriety in a normal drunk person can be used to make a Homoeopathic medicine that can cure the ills of an abnormally sober person. Armed with this splendid knowledge, let us move on to the preparation of our 30C Homoeopathic beer.
Measure out 10ml of coffee, also known in Homoeopathy as the mother tincture. Take a 1 litre bottle and put the 10ml in it. Fill the bottle with 990ml of water from the tap. Shake the bottle carefully 18 times or so alternating with taps on a piece of leather, such as a bag or a belt. Now you have in your hands a litre of 1C Homoeopathic beer. However, we will not need such a weak drink. Measure out 10ml from the bottle and pour the rest away. Again, add 990ml of water to our 10ml of 1C solution. Again shake and tap to dynamize our drink. We have now obtained a 2C beer, slightly more potent. Take 10ml from it and repeat this process 30 times until we have a 30C solution. Be very careful with the disposal of waste solution at the later stages, as the solution is sufficiently potentiated as to be an environmental hazard. Your 30C Homoeopathic beer is now ready for drinking and you are advised to be a responsible drunk.
As we know, traditional double blind placebo controlled clinical trials that are used to test Allopathic drugs and beer do not work on our Homoeopathic beer. Also, such methods as chemical analysis and tasting will not detect the effects of our potentiation. Thus our highly potent beer is safe to carry in large quantities across police checkpoints as well.
If you wish to have your transsubstan... um, potentiated beer chilled and fizzy, you may alternatively make a mother tincture from equal amounts of boiling water and 3 day old stale cola with lots of caffeine.
***
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
